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faulty_closure's Journal
Created on 2003-01-05 20:03:52 (#841647), last updated 2008-11-14
2,066 comments received, 2,220 comments posted
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794 Journal Entries, 1 Tag, 19 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 14 Userpics
Basic Info| Name: | she doesn't know she exists; |
|---|---|
| Birthdate: | 1986-01-29 |
| Location: | Tennessee, United States |
| Website: | myspace, yo |
Bio
My name is Megan. I am basically an aimless wanderer. They blame this on my 'mental illness,' I blame it on restlessness. Nothing feels like home. I can't seem to find where I belong. I want to feel the earth between my toes, and swim in the ocean. I want to be free to do what I want, when I want. I want to live a life without being supressed or told I'm wrong or crazy. I want to stand out, to not fit in. I want to have a purpose. I want you to remember me. I want to make an impression on your heart, soul, and mind. I don't want you to forget. I want to make things better, not worse. I want this world to not be corrupt. I want a leader who leads us, not pushes us with fear. I want my soulmate. I just want. Not need. But that is the nature of being human. I am aware. I am stronger. I am more flexable. I take things as they come. I've learned not to dwell too much, because life's to short to play victim. I've learned in 21 years, yes, already, that nothing in this life is satisfying. Life is a series of tests. The only way to live is through faith, hope, and yes, love. After all, the main message Jesus was trying to teach was indeed love. If you give it all up, place it in God's hands, and let your soul do the wandering, things will fall into place. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed. Have faith. Wake up and stand for something. Remember, this life is only temporary. Nobody gets out alive. <3
&!&!&!&!&!&!
I'm my own worst enemy. I hate myself with more vigor and enthusiasm that you could ever match. I am a big let down. Anyone who gets close enough to me realizes that eventually and then leaves. I don't expect more, and I never really get more. I'm insignificant, quiet, angry, frustrated with life. I don't like to lie, and I'm honest to a fault. I fall way to easy and way to hard. Just when I think I am pulling myself out of the dirt and mud, I cast myself back down without another thought. I continuasly backslide. I am not what or who I used to be. I have been stripped barren of any dignity I once had, and I am left cold and bitter. I am rarely optimistic, and if I ever am, I never am for long. No one person knows the entity of me & no one bothers to try anymore. I am complicated.
I'm FORSAKEN & FORGOTTEN
_____but I'm not beyond hope.
All is in time
The pulses, the calls
It's drawing me in
My arms are bound and my eyes blindfolded
But I feel what I must do is what’s right
So I go on without question
How else does one that is bound fall?
To avoid what you love shows your respect towards the unknown urges that lead your feet. Or so I was led on. But I am led on most everywhere I go and it suits me well to go along; to question what motivates me is to question the ground that holds me. I am still dependent on the very thing I question and knowing I’m walking on the ground does not change the ground's opinion of holding me.
Good moods that stay for normal days wont last forever but they have had a good streak recently. Ideas are overflowing but applying them changes everything. Putting thoughts into words and making decisions seems to give them a 180 turn.
Logical: is it good or bad? I want the confusion back; logic is too solid. You can't interpret logic when it is described as clearly as logic often is.
Bring me your silenced and your noticeably challenged, for I sympathize with them. Your questions of how you were altered without consent.. for my answer is you have never had the power to choose.
Limits that no one else shares: genetics? Constricted lifelines give just enough for breathing, but freedom to life is still hit or miss in the long run.
"So what do we do now?"
We sing along, try not to think of life long labels and enjoy the always continuing endings that hit one after the other until we settle for the unknown.
Her death is echoing and waking till 2 am. Is there any meaning in dreams? Because I would have to ponder this point not being clear - taking in her death over a telephone, morning of clarity, tragic brainwashing by repetitive assault. During these times I had no doubt in my mind she was dead, but had to see her for myself that night.. until I officially was back in the normal mind state. Normalcy has never been so questionable and lively.
Life doesn't stop. This is a point that needs to be clear for people.
Sorry.. I've had a long week.. I am very tired. My grandmother died on Saturday. With horrible memory like mine I couldn't even recall our last conversation. It is hard to forget her so when boredom strikes the thinker turns on. I am a crazy philosopher, its mentally hard to turn off or to understand (does any of it make sense?) I plan on reading. Sleeping. Mentally coming back after being dragged so far down from the past few months (but especially the last few weeks.)
Not knowing loss is heaven
Losing something is a tragedy
Losing everything is life.
Why my dreams are so light I don't know. It was hard enough finding out that no one is perfect. Then I found out that I am not who I wanted to be. I can't recall what can't be redone.
It is that whole numbingly cold feeling like your whole body falls asleep for a few minutes. Or were they seconds? Why does death go in one ear and out the other with me? I've known her since forever and she was my world.. I don't show, I watch. You can't tell, can I? I can't mentally register; it's an erase phase.
It's a wonderful mood
But I have this disturbing feeling
That being in these walls,
In this atmosphere,
Is making me sick.
I'm not proud. It was a stupid thing to say.
I can't relate and it all sounds horrible so what could I say? You can't weigh pains; they can never be put into any scale since impacts are diverse and secret.
Blast... I've got to learn how not to burn holes when I am looking at people.
The mind wanders far when chasing dreams.
Oblivious to placement, you are all making me sick with your joy.
With all of the understandable chaotic movie plots I can't help but feel ignorant to something that's real.
ConnectInterests (139):
a beautiful mind, abnormal psychology, abstract art, acoustic songs, acting, activism, afi, american beauty, anime, anne rice, anonymous, anti-racism, antiflag, aperfectcircle, arguing, awkward silences, band, bandaids, being heard, being here, being in love, books, bowling, british accents, cheese, chipped nailpolish, chuck taylors, clinical psychology, clubbing, coffee, comic books, comicbooks, computers, dashboard confessional, deftones, destiny, disco bloodbath, dreams, driving aimlessly, ebay, feeling, final fantasy xii, final fantasy xiii, friends, girl bands, girl interrupted, god, good jokes, grease, guitars, guys, guys with guitars, hair dye, happy people, incense, indepentant film, industrial, inner beauty, interveiw with a vampire, irony, jewel, kaleidoscopes, laughing, lemonade, literature, lostprophets, love, mario kart, memento, men, metal, mixed cds, mixed tapes, moulin rouge, music, nerdy guys, no judgement, ophelia, opinions, peircings, pez dispensers, pictures, play writes, poetry, polaroids, politics, polka dots, prayer, prose, protesting, psychology, quotes, rain, requiem for a dream, robert frost, rock and roll, rocky horror picture show, roleplaying, self confidence, sharpies, singing in the rain, sleep, sleeping, smileemptysoul, smiles, smoothies, sober fun, socialism, sociology, something corporate, staind, starbucks, stargazing, stephen king, sugar, sunsets, surviving, sylvia plath, tattoos, techno, the clash, the donnas, the truth, the virgin suicides, theatre, thrift shops, tie dye, tori amos, uninvited, unique, vampires, vans, walmart, warhammer, welcome to the dollhouse, william shakespeare, writing, you, zelda
External Services:
 | faulty_closure@livejournal.com |
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