!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!

"The soul you cut, the soul you adored
Cannot feel you anymore;;


!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!

Did you ever want to throw up in your mouth?
or get that sick to stomach feeling..
that always has a river of tears following?

that is how I feel at this exact moment. all I want to do is throw my hands up and scream.. but I just pretend like I'm strong and this whole situation doesn't bother me.. but I'm not.. & it fucking does.

..I'm crying and I don't know why
I just know it hurts and I want it to go away.

I want to cry myself to sleep.
at least that would be somewhat normal..
but instead I choke on this empty misery alone.

I can not breathe here.
I can not move.
I can not speak.

I hate you all for leaving me to die alone here.
but hate is an emotion..
so at least I'm still feeling something.

I blame myself.
I hate myself.
I'm angry at myself.

&
I'm to hard on myself.
I'm my own worst critic.
I'm failing.
I'm losing.
I'm trying.
I'm giving.
I'm not doing well enough.
I'm afraid of losing what I never had in the first place.

(if you don't like what I have to say here, don't read this.)
plain and simple.

I can't decide what is keeping me here.
the other day after I threw my public fit (this was Sunday..) I remember curling up on the floor in my grandmothers house with a knife pressed against my wrist. I was praying for a reason to stay.. and I cried, but out of hopelessness.. not loss.. & the true turning point is there is no turning point or epiphanies. I fell asleep in that position for the next two hours, passing the time before I could come back over here and act like I had it all worked out..

but I don't have it all worked out..
and I never did..
I pretend, but I don't know who I am pretending for.

honestly.. who cares about me?
..my guess is no one off the top of my head
people worry about me..
but that doesn't mean the geniuanally care..
it just means they feel sorry for me..

I used to believe there was a reason for everything..
now, I'm just so unhappy..
that it doesn't matter anymore..

I can't remember the last time the sun shinned bright enough for me to notice.
I can't remember anything other than how I feel at this moment..
and how I continue to miss one of the only things that is never able to come back..

......
....
...

all I know is
how my heart means nothing in the grand scheme of things..
& how yours means everything..
how you shouldn't even matter to me..
& how I remember nights that you chose to forget..

That should be my sign..
all the times you have told me that I should give up..
that I over exaggerate you.
that I over exaggerate this.
my feelings.

still I chose to hold onto something that to you,
meant NOTHING.

Take this while it lasts.
because I'll only swallow my pride for you this once.

You're right.
plain and simple.
YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME.

For the sake of arguement..
you win.

go on with your life.
& please love
like I thought you intended to love me.

Let's play pretend..
like you actually meant something when you said,
We were destinated to end up a tragic story.

& I want you to know
that in the light of this 'great tragedy;'
while there is still breath in my body
I'll continue to pray everyday for you..

..With this,
I go on to this uncertain future..
spending most of my time melancoholy..
because the truest feeling I have ever felt..
disappaited..

sadly..
I continue to
force myself to move on..
still trying to cut your haunting words from my memory
because you spoke them in their most untrue form..
when you played me like a well worn fiddle..



....
...
..
.
.
..
...
....



he
will always be someone
I will have to contiuanally forgive
because he is
so uncertain of everything..

he knows
how to make it..
alone..
but he will not have to endure it forever.

he
will go on to become a name
in a book.

another chapter
to add to the flavor
of a story
to sad to tell

when I begin to write
about him.
I'll begin his story with an
empty hope.


....
...
..
.
.
..
...
....

I keep telling myself
This is only temporary..
my life is only temporary..

I know human suffering doesn't start or end with me.
so I have no real solution

only an important decision to make
on whether or not
to end this ongoing
sick-cycle carasoual;

I just want my own suffering to cease.
&
the only logical way to do that.
is if I cease to EXIST.

logic doesn't mean anything past this point.

I'm to the point of apathy where I honestly think I could end it.. where I wouldn't feel it.. & the reality of it all wouldn't sink in until that last breath.. the consequences don't matter when you have nothing else to lose.

I try to have that impossible faith
that is so hard find in this faithless world..
& faith tells me to tough it out..

..so for now I guess I'll just stick around
until I die of natural causes..
or the apocalypse comes around..

I just wish that one of those two..
would happen in the next week..

although..
death shouldn't be something to wait for.
(what a crap life I chose to live.)

If I continue living this life I have been given
with no real conviction..
i'll wake up one day to old to change..
and to fucked to care..

My worst nightmare happened today.. and I wish it was just an exagerration to a post in which I wish to self-loathe about petty stuff.. my grandmother (You have to understand.. she has basically raised me as her own.. & the only thing I have known a mother to be like..) is in a deep coma as we speak.. and they gave her a 1% chance of survival.. I am the last one that got to talk to her.. out of everyone.. because I was the person that drove her to the hospital and got to see her before she went completely unconcious.. there are a lot of things that I have seen.. but never someone I love, literally dying before my eyes.. she had a massive anerism in her brain.. she is internally bleeding.. I dunno.. it's just not the way I'd thought she'd go..

it is a big nightmare in a lot of ways.. one being I don't have a for sure place to live.. I don't have my car for sure.. (but I think they'll set it up to where I have to make payments..) insurance.. loan bills.. just.. a lot of stuff.. guess I probably won't be going back to college anytime soon..

I dunno.. I have been through several emotions.. considering I have been by her bed side at each stage she was dying more.. (although when we left she had a lot of color and some pulse..) she has a living will.. she doesn't want to be saved.. she wants to go..

I'm terrified.. because I saw the fear in my grandmothers eyes.. and she is fighting it.. god she is fighting it so bad.. she has been preparing now for two months.. reading her bible every night and every day.. changing her will..

I dunno.. her blood pressure was high all week.. & when she went to the doctor, he wasn't as bothered about it as she was and sent her home.. I just feel like what if.. what if..

I feel guilty.. I just took her for granted.. a lot..

..this is going to completely alter everything..
I don't know if I can cope..
at this point, I am so numb, tired, and just completely apathetic..
in absolute shock..
& really afraid..

I don't know.. I just.. don't..

(the breakdown will come later.. I'm sure.. but just not tonight..)

I miss my dad.

When I was a kid, away from this hell I call home now.. I lived in a different environment from which I speak of now, which is a grandmother who trys to feel but can't.. I dunno.. It was different then.. it was just me and him and now I realize why the hell he got out of here.. when my dad lost his job, it was the worst thing that ever could happen to us.. We moved alot when I was a kid, but my dad could never live here, (and he isn't close to his siblings either.. THEY HATE HIM..) But I was a daddy's girl really..

I dunno.. I'm torn.. there are nights I remember sitting at home, crying for my mom to come home so we could be ok again.. (My dad did date alot.. he was trying to find a life partner and me a mother..) I dunno.. Back then.. my dad was my hero.. I remember when I was in first grade singing my daddy loves me.. (it was father's day..) but my dad couldn't come to see me because he had to work so long.. but I was so happy... hoping that he could come see me.. but he of course couldn't get off because what he was doing was 'important' to keep us staying afloat.. but my babysitter for the last 4 years of my life was there cheering me on.. (her kids were homeschooled.. & my best friends at the time..) I dunno.. the life I had was so much different from what I experienced here.. (my dad was making about $50 an hour at the time, so we definatly got by..) I mean.. yeah.. he did beat me.. but I know it was now because he was going through so major issues that I would never want to encounter.. I watched it destroy him.. It destroyed me too..

...this place seems to suck the life out of me.. it did it to my father before me.. but if I don't get out of here, I will end up like him.. except with a bullet in my head.. I'm not as strong as he was... I don't think I ever will be.. I'm so full of insecurities and issues I can't even seem to get over.. I want to stay locked in my room and just cry until I get saved.. (I was always saved as a kid..)

I wish things would have been different..

..I dunno why.. but it is really hard to fit in at 12, moving up to a place called Fayetteville. I didn't know anyone and they thought my creativeness was offensive.. me wanting to shine as JUST dreams..

..why did fate bring me here?
...there is nothing for me here..
especially my dad.. my once hero..
my mom is somewhere in Florida rotting away behind padding.. (because she never had anyone either..)
and my dad left her..

...god..
that is one thing I could never get over.. but knowing now that he never loved her.. he just wanted a child.. fucking KILLS me..

I can't even establish reality from fantasy.. the life I once knew, to this one.. it all runs together.. it's all something that festers and grows and consumes me, until I am nothing but afraid..
..if death is the only certianty why am I so afraid?

I miss my security blanket.. my father always made sure I was taken good care of.. (because he cared about me..) now.. we've grown so far apart.. because my grandmother took me away from my dad.. and he felt rejected, living in her house.. I was her kid.. she even got papers for me..

..I've rejected the only one thing that has ever been constant..
& I don't know why..
I guess it's because I used to see the hate in his eyes.. when I was 13-17) but now I see sadness when he looks at me..


He can't even stay around long anymore, because I'll make him cry..
..that is the real reason he doesn't come by..
I don't know why I can't establish anything in my head about relationships..
even down to friendships, I get so overwhelmed with emotion.. that it's crazy..

...I'm scared.. honestly scared..
My mother's genetics I'm afraid have won the battle.. I can't even remember.. the last feeling I had since they slapped me with a label and sent me packing at 15.. I was taking medication up until 19.. so many different kinds.. such high doses..


is it so wrong to feel?

..I'm off my meds now.. and no.. I'm not ok.. but I wasn't ok then either.. so what is the problem?

why is it so driven in my head that I can't measure up and become anything..

My dad was SOMETHING at one time.
FUCK ME FOR HATING HIM.. & BETRAYING HIM..

...karma is a bitch right?

I don't know what my problems are.. One day it's this.. one day it's something else.. but it is always WORRYING.. & it is keeping me from doing anything.. I'm suspended..

..lazy..
& addicted to the only things I seem to find comfort in anymore...

am I crazy for wanting to live? to have that second chance to try to prove myself? just that one door opening that would create an alternate reality in a second..
..I'm tired of this one

I dunno.. I just need motivation.. patience..
a little bit of chill pill..
and a lotta lovin'
...i want my friends back
and if I can't have them back.. I want to get out of here..

My dad now has a new love in his life.. his new wife.. my stepmom.. (aka.. bitch..) she TOOK him away from me forever..
nothing will ever be the same..

..I wish I could tell him all of this..
I wish we could be close again and he would give me infinate wisdom and just hug me..
and tell me it's gonna be alright..

My dad loved me so much because I saw him as a hero..
no one ever saw him like I did..
through the eyes of a child..
almost God-like..
that is the closest you will ever feel to God though isn't it?
..when your blissfully happy..


siigh..
i need money..
then all my problems would go away..
(yeah RIGHT..)

I woke up and realized today that I have nothing..

.
..

What am I living for?

((nothing))

I'd be better off dead.

FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE EVERYTHING COMES EASILY AND NATURALLY AND YOU JUST DON'T HAVE TO TRY.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU HURT ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN SEE ANYTHING WORTH KNOWING ABOUT ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU CAN LET ME GO THAT EASILY.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU CARED AND THEN LEFT ME TO DIE.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU LET ME DESTROY MY LIFE.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU NEVER LOVED ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU FOUND GOD.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY LOVE YOU BACK.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LOSE EVERYTHING WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE IN THE SITUATION I AM IN.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME TO TAKE THE WRATH FOR EVERY DECSION I MADE WITH YOUR "BEST INTEREST" IN MIND.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU ONLY CALL WHEN YOU ARE BORED.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON YOU CALLED WAS TO PUT SOMETHING OFF ON ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU NEVER CALL.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU BLEW ME OFF.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU THINK I WILL JUST FUCK UP AGAIN.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE I WILL DO ANY BETTER FOR MYSELF.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU WERE THE WORST EVER.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW I CARE ENOUGH TO PUT A FUCK YOU IN HERE FOR YOU.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU DONT REALIZE HOW MUCH TORMENT I PUT MYSELF IN.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN LOVE ANYBODY ANYMORE.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF THIS SELF-LOATHING MASS THAT IS IN ESSANCE ME.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T COME TO MY FUNERAL.
FUCK YOU; BECAUSE MY LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING ANYMORE & YOURS IS.
FUCK YOU; FUCK YOU; AND FUCK YOU;

I am angry. I am resentful. & I am already dead where it matters.

I WILL be remembered for something.

----

my dad was diagnosed with cancer today.

I have been trying to figure out the solution to this problem that has been plaguing me for sometime now. I finally found the solution anyways. Since most of the people who are on my friends list, never comment, I am leaving this to be my writings only lj, specifically for the archangels.

&

 

I made another livejournal.. and it is going to be my personal livejournal.. If you want to know what is going on with me and my life, and maybe get to know me a little bit better, simply follow me here.

 

_apocalypsenow

anything you want to say. say it.
anything about me. what you think. how much you hate me. how much you love me.
anything about the world. how much you hate it. how much you love it.
your secrets, dreams, fears.
everything or anything.
just be ANONYMOUS.

This is how I feel. Please read it.. it describes it better than I can..

I'm a fake - The Used
Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a fucking knife.

Look at me.
Can you tell,
By the way I move and do my hair?
Do you think that it's me,
Or is it not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, I don't smell.
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.

Do I drink?
Do I date?
I've got perfect placements.
All my ink satisfied,
In your eyes.
I'm the biggest fan that I've got right now.
I made sure that I look how I wanted to look.
The people around me,
The people surround me.

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.

My stomach hurts now,
And all tied off in lace.
I pray, I beg, for anything to hit me in the face.
And this sickness isn't me.
I pray to fall from grace.
The last thing I see is feeling.

And I'm telling you I'm a fake.


Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.

I seem to be coming back to this thing, like it's my savior... or my savior will one day read these words and realize that I am more than just my words.. Seems like that's all I have anymore.

I hate living here. My dad stops by and I try so hard to duck out of the house and go next door because I don't want him to yell at me or give me that disappointed look. My grandmother has no empathy. I try to talk to her and she completely changes the subject. Like I am supposed to go on with everyone else, and pretend my life isn't shitty. This isn't home. This isn't my family. sigh.

I get so frustrated because it's like.. I just want someone to talk to. That's all I really want, and when I get the chance to talk, I say nothing of substance. I want to pour my heart and soul out, just to someone who will listen, but no one is willing to listen. I miss talking about my big dreams. I really miss believing in myself. I wonder if people think I am insane.. because I feel insane just by going through the drudgery of it all..

oh.. it's like if I get out of this, what else would I have to complain about? what would I have to talk about? The past is really painful for me.. the present isn't much better.. I'm scared the future will be the same... so I continue to live this life.. I am content here.. I figure, if I stay here, it can't get much worse, and I won't have anything else to lose. I can't be broken anymore when I am shelled inside myself.. No one can touch me.. it's just rather lonely..

all my friends that I have ever had, have wore masks.. masks they chose to live in society by.. but they were never what you saw on the outside.. and I will always get the same flack about how they are fake, but they are probably the most real people ever.. they are just trying to make it.. and I can empathize, because most people see my mask.. I shun people, and act like I don't give a damn.. but I do.. so maybe I am an imposter to.. Maybe masks aren't so bad.. they keep you coping..

I don't understand why people can't just love each other. We're all human.. We're all fallable.. We're all just trying to make it.. what's the deal?

I say I don't give a shit.. but if anyone who actually knows me, thinks that, they don't know me at all.

..sigh... really what am I trying to accomplish here.. Even with this, I still feel alone..

why am i never enough?

..i just want to be loved.. for once.. is that too much to ask?

..i want to feel beautiful.. he made me feel like that.. he was the only person who ever made me feel like that..

fuck.. god.. no one ever fucking wants to understand where I am coming from.. only where they are coming from..

Someone told me I'm loving a ghost. that I could never know what love is. that the person I loved, doesn't exist. that he was really ashamed of me and that from their point of view, he doesn't care the way he tells me he cares.

maybe they are right.

in the end, most people do become ashamed of me..

you can't be proud of someone who doesn't have anything. you can't love someone who doesn't have some redeeming quality..

right now, I feel like a pile of nothing.

i am so very tired of feeling used. hopeless. frustrated. discontent. I am tired of crying every night and of falling asleep and waking up feeling like there is nothing in this world that will ever save me from myself..

i dont ask for much.. really.. I don't.. I'm not a lot of work.. (maybe that's my problem..) maybe no one will ever love me and actually want to be with me..

it doesn't matter..

i was useless from the moment i was created. i serve no real purpose.

One secret.
One compliment.
One non-compliment.
One love note.
Lyrics to a song.
How old you are.
How long we've been friends.
And a hint to who you are.

My loneliness has grown into a
self-imposed prison,
my own creation,
fashioned from feelings of abandon.

I am an island unto myself.

My view is obstructed
by the black ocean of isolation
that now separates us.
Once I ardently sought its refuge
from your rejection,
but that asylum has become my
fortress.

It is a condiment that adds
little flavor to a love unfulfilled.
I am its Silhouette,
pasted against a backdrop
hued by silent cries,
and saturated from hidden tears.

By my own efficiency
I am forsakened,
and my grief is the water
that I drink daily from a cup
spilling over.

I long to feel again,
to taste the substance of
Life and love upon my tongue,
to savor the piquant flavors
of me belonging to someone...
again.

 

( I wish to be normal again )

This is a tragedy. A loss the gods will laugh at for millions of years. A caring and love that won't fucking matter or make it in the end. I just want your happiness, even more than my own.. and I can't do a god damn thing, but sit and watch you beat yourself up about us. And it makes me want to leave, just not come back and be done with it so you can go on and fix yourself without me in your life.. even as just your 'friend.' and for selfish reasons, I can't do that. Because I feel like you are the only one who would ever care and truely know what I am feeling. You understand me.. I always find myself doing this.. stuck between fates, and roads, and wondering what would have happened if I actually stuck with it.

Charlie - knew me before I knew me. I got scared and ran away.

Garret - was gay, but we ended up fooling around once. I loved him for three years, but it wasn't a romantic love. I was always content with it, until we ended up fooling around. And it always hurt me.. we still hung out everyday, but it made us fight for six months, up until he left for Chatt.. Now, I barely hear from him, but we try to talk every day now..

John - instant connection. I stayed with him for three years, never really official, but loving him unconditionally. We eventually stopped talking every night, and went to just once a week. But we never talk about us anymore. There is no us anymore.. because we know that each other would instantly suffocate each other with love.

You - I can't find myself believing that it wouldn't work out eventually. And it hurts when I think about you, and you going on and finding someone who can satisfy you in the shallow ways, but can't satisfy you or your needs, or understand one fucking thing about you and your past. And I think about me, going on with my life, never really being with anyone, just holding onto the idea that maybe one day we could work.. because you understand me.. and you care about me.. you do.. and your heart is so beatiful and god.. why?

Tragedy, the one thing that is constant in my life.

I have never not been satisfied with the loves I have had. I was always satisfied with just being there. Now, I feel like that isn't enough.. and it's because sex made me feel worthless, especially since I did it with someone who could never know my soul.

I feel worthless. Time doesn't stop any of this.. it just grows.. continually.

Love is what drives me to wake up out of bed every day.

it's what has kept me hoping all these years.

and the only fucking grace you can find in this world, is someone else's love.

God, if there was only one prayer I could pray forever, it would be that God have mercy on this world.. and how broken we are becoming.. and how apathy has taken over our being.. and how we can't live with hope. We are so advanced, we question everything about existance. We can't know happiness, because now days, materials get in the way.. life gets in the way.. people bringing other people down, people following crowds and people being corrupted, everyday.. manipulated by the system.. To save us from fucking up over and over.. send some hope.. some grace.. some salvation..

because I want to be set free from this suffering..

and a hope in a god and a hope in love, is the only thing that makes me go on.. and that is what is different from me.. that is what makes me not her, regardless of our similarities.

I _______ Megan.
Megan is _______.
If I were alone in a room with Megan, I would ______ .
I think Megan should ________.
Megan needs ________.
I want to _________ Megan.
The worst thing about Megan is ________.
The best thing about Megan is ________.

Sometimes the internet is the best place for breaking the ice and getting rid of the awkwardness.

(I have updated my friends list and took people off from Martin.. Don't take it offensivally, though I am sure most of you don't care... it's just it's getting hard and I honestly can't say I trust you guys to know what is going on with me right now..)

Peace, love and crabs..

If you read this. Even if I don't speak to you often. You must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want. It can be good or bad - just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you...

"I've loved you for a long time, but you never have seen it. I owe you my life."

Never before has anything anybody has EVER said to me meant as much as that statement does. I don't know who exactly posted that in that anonymous post, but I would like to thank you. And.. it's a shame that I don't know who you are.

le sigh.